Golf Jokes
World’s worst
A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.
“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.
“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
A word of advice
If you drink, don’t drive. And don’t even putt.
Heavenly Oversight
Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."
The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.
The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball."
Drowning your sorrows
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
The right club?
A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated.
On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”
“Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.
The Tee
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."
The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."
The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"
To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"
Riders
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Idiots
A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
Out of the mouths of …
A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question…
Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.
A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.
“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
Eggs..?
Golf balls are like eggs.
They’re white.
Sold by the dozen.
And a week later you have to buy some more.
New Ball
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls.
“Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”
Coach, what is wrong with my game?
One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
